Thursday, 11 September 2008

Yet another rainy day - allelulia!

Hi all! First of all, apologies for the big gap in postings. My illness has really got a hold on me at the moment so I have to make use of a 'window' of pain-free time.
I'm still getting over our 2 weeks' holiday in Somerset - 2 weeks of pouring rain. The first week we were at a Christian conference ('New Wine'). This was our 13th year of attending, and it felt like it. It was probably not the best thing for me to have gone to but the kids, Geoff & my mum all have a whale of a time, it's just me that's a problem. I have a grievance with God at the moment. I have anger that he has allowed me to get to this state of poor health and to receive such awful negligence of care after I have given my life to the care of others since I was 16.
I couldn't bear being in the main celebration arena. I have to have a manual wheelchair when I'm away as my buggy won't go in the boot. The disabled parking was on a stony area about 200 yards from the door of the arena. I was screaming in agony when Geoff was pushing me from car to door, then having to be thrusted into the arena over a [what seemed like] huge lump. I was crying in the end. One of the young stewards came up to me & just held me. She was so caring. I couldn't cope with the wet so in the end I stayed back at the cottage & listened to the New Wine radio, so I could listen to the morning Bible study & also the evening praise. We are giving it a break next year.

My illness has affected all aspects of my life. I am under the control of an auto-immune disease which is unpredictable so I don't know how I'll be from one day to the next. It has affected our marriage - some days I absolutely despise him for his total lack of understanding of my illnesses. Do I really want to be like this?? I'm dependant on others, including my girls, bless them. They run around for me & love me. You would think that having witnessed me having a respiratory arrest (June 2006) that he would realise how fragile my life is & make good use of the time given.
My friends have turned their backs on me. I can't do all the fun things anymore. One friend (of 30 years +) said I was "on drugs" because I was on a slow-release morphine. So she kept on referring to my being on drugs. For God's sake, I can't help being like this & I need adequate pain relief to keep me going. I have a patch now, which is better but for whatever reason it won't stick on me so I have to have micropore to stick it on! Trust me to be awkward!
Some days I feel so low that I just want out of it. If it wasn't for my lovely girls it would be so easy. They are the reason to live. They are growing up so quickly - Elizabeth (Lizzie) is in year 8 & Alice is in year 6. They are both starting puberty, so they need me in this difficult time. When they come in from school we have a "pow-wow", talk about what they've done at school etc. We talk about all sorts of things -- things I didn't know about at their age!! But I want them to be street-wise.
My 'working dog' Rosie hates it when I'm out of sorts - especially if I have to have the doctor in. When I was bad in February I had 2 doctors & 2 Paramedics trying to force me to go into hospital. She was going beserk. She'll lie beside me with her chin on me & won't leave my side. She is my caring angel on 4 legs.

I still do my scrapbooking when I can. I have decided not to run my Thursday scrapbooking evening as a get-together of friends rather than a class. We're all at the same level so it takes the pressure of me & also if I'm poorly & have to cancel, I'm not left with a load of kits. I also try to get to the Saturday all-day crops as much as I can.
I have just one more page to complete & Jen & Carl's wedding album is finished!! I can only do scrapping for a short period of time & it's very much when I can. Jen's very forgiving & is looking forward to seeing it.

Finally, Paul (if you read this) I was so chuffed to hear of your good news! Bless you both X