Friday, 30 November 2007

Sorry I haven't posted for a while..............

Things have been a bit wobbly (literally!!!!!) for a few days. I know that my FMS is getting worse, especially the fatigue element, but I must not let it take over my life. It would be oh so easy for me to just curl up in bed with a hot wheatbag & stay there, I feel that bad some days. So I try & overcome this & make the effort to at least get up, if only to stay in my Jammies. I'm not going to let this horrid illness, condition, disease, or whatever, to rule my life & render me a useless being that I feel I am.
I'm having counselling [Christian] to help me to overcome major issues that have affected & are affecting my life. Such a complex thing to do. My illness has left me with nothing. I was a good nurse & midwife, I've been told so, and even went to the extent of undertaking a Diploma Course of 3 years to provide relevant levels of care to palliative / Cancer patients. What a waste of time that was -- and I got an 'A' for my last assignment - what an achievement! -- but there's patients out there who need qualified specialist nurses & here's me......

I'm trying hard to keep going for the sake of my family. Jenny's struggling to cope with a husband who has suddenly become jealous of his wife (my daughter) breast-feeding her baby. He wants her to give up or express her milk. That's no good, especially at this early stage. Amy feeds beautifully & Jen's got masses of milk - so why should she give up?? They discussed this pre-natally & he said he wanted Jen to feed as breast milk is the best for baby --- YAY! To see Amy feeding at the breast is so soothing, the little trickle of milk escaping as she can't keep up with it & her little hand gently stroking her mummy's breast that makes the milk let down and the way she comes off full of milk. Why the hell does he want to take that away from her?? The other problem is eczema, which runs through all the girls in the family. Breast feeding will help with that too. He knew that the boys came with the package and has chosen to change their name to his (but not officially), but he's so resenting them too. They have had such a turmoil going on in their lives, they need stability not unrest. Boy, does he yell at them sometimes....
All I can do is be there for her, as she is for me.

I'm out tomorrow at an all-day crop. It's a small group but nevertheless a good one. It will give me a chance to catch up on all the layouts I have planned for Amy. I have that many photos!! She's a little doll & she knows Nana's voice now so I have to whisper if she's asleep! That used to happen when my goddaughter was a baby. If she heard my voice she'd pull her head round to see me. What a privilege. I am so blessed.
I'm still trying to sort my stash out & get it in order on my new shelves. I'm doing it bit by bit. I have so much stash!!!!

Off to rest now I think. It's been a busy day, especially after the counselling session. Bye for now!

Wednesday, 7 November 2007

I'm a Nana again!! My daughter Jenny gave birth to a gorgeous baby girl at 7.20pm yesterday. She weighed in at 8lb 1oz. Her name is Amy Gillian Grace. Jenny & the baby are doing well following a quick labour (just about 2 hours once her labour established). Carl is a bit shell-shocked & rather moody. The boys adore her but Liam, bless him, was walking around with his hands over his ears!!!
I was blessed to be with Jenny from the start. I came to realise what this illness has taken away from me. I was humbled when her midwife, Sarah, said she felt happy to let me carry on with Jenny's care. I loved my job; I know I was good at my job; my god, I really miss my job. I met up with some of my ex work colleagues who were shocked at what has happened to me. One of the midwives who I never really understood humour-wise, gave me a big hug. needed that so much.
I'm struggling with Carl. I just can't get 'into' him. He suddenly drops his shoulders & sulks but won't say what the problem is. I don't think he understands what's happening but won't let anyone into his shell. Jen wants me but yet I feel that I'm not wanted. He almost begged me to be with jen when she was in labour yet I feel that I'm unwanted.
Anyway, all is well and that's the most important thing.

Thursday, 1 November 2007

I'm so low I couldn't go lower..........

I'm so low, I couldn't get lower if I tried. I'm sick to death of my whole life & what it represents (or rather, doesn't). This horrid illness/disability has taken my whole life away; everything I know I'm good at has been thrown back in my face. I have no function nor importance in this world except to be everyone's punch bag when they're having a paddy.
I absolutely adore my family, but even then I get nothing but trouble & I feel a lot of hurt. I love all my children and grand-children equally, they were all planned and are loved as soon as they were born. I love them unconditionally, I don't say 'I'll only love you if..........'. I tell my children I love them every day (I found out that my dad loved me when it was almost too late). The love I have for them is genuine, not false.
My daughter Jenny (25) is due her baby any time now. I have been beside her all the way. She asked me to be with her (as well as her husband Carl) because I am a trained midwife & I can be her advocate as well as photographer. She has been texting me every day telling me she loves me & when I was at a scrapbooking crop at the weekend she texted me to say she loved me & wanted me home. That was Sunday just gone. I texted her as soon as I was home & she responded with an answer + that she loved me. Yesterday she sent me a text that has broken my heart & I can't talk/write about it without tears.
This is what she texted: "Well it is my decision (I'd asked if the midwife had brought the homebirth kit round - she has fast labours like me), I am the one who's giving birth & people have ruined this pregnancy for me (?) .You keep saying to evryone that you want to bond with the baby like you did with Callum (now 7), but what about liam (5). Carl is cutting the cord and whatever else so it won't be like Callum's birth. We did not have to invite you to be at the birth but I am not being bullied.I am so sore but obviously that does not matter. I have told Carl what I want so if knows. If is my husband".
I would like to say:
I have supported her through all 3 of her pregnancies as she always suffers emotionally & physically - this time she suffers from pelvic pain, not being able to walk coz of the pain, blah,blah, blah. Then she texts me on Saturday (at the crop) to say that she was in a lot of pain & that they'd walked round Port Lymne Zoo (Canterbury way). I said that she was a bit mad (to say the least) walking that distance. If she did have SPD (Supra-Pubic Dysplasia) she wouldn't be able to walk at all. At the early part of her pregnancy she had it in mind that she wanted me to deliver her baby & not have a midwife - there was a lot of media about this happening in USA - and I was prepared to go along with it unless there were any complications.
I did bond with Liam. Things had been very difficult with my relationship with Jenny. She had come back home pregnant, again. She was very angry & so took it out on me. I would get abusive phone calls of the worse kind when I was at work. These got so bad & hard for me to cope with, that the receptionists protected me from her calls. She would even do this when Geoff was putting our girls & Callum to bed - he had no idea that she'd even made a phone call. We ended up evicting her. She got a lovely house, but it wasn't good enough. Everyone mucked in to get it decorated and furnished, but she was never happy. She was staying here until the house was finished and the baby had been born. On the day she went into labour she decided that she wanted to be at her house. At 6.30am Geoff was taking us to her home. I made us porrige & coffee, she laid down on the sofa & went fast to sleep. She was contracting, I could see, but she stayed asleep. Anyway, the rest is horrible & it involves a very nasty,cruel, midwife who didn't do Jen nor me any good. She has been banned from having any contact with Jen. I loved him, how dare she say I don't love him??? In fact I love him more because of what happened.
I've done nothing but care about that girl. Whatever she says, I still love her. I can't cope with this 'I love you so much' and then the abuse. She put in a text that she wished Carl hadn't made her pregnant.
I just feel that I'm her punchball for her anger & someone to blame when things go wrong or when she & Carl have a bust up. She never, ever, contacts her father. God only knows what I've done to deserve all this from her. She's my first girl - she'll always be special to me. She knows that.
She loved me before & during my crop but now she hates me. What the hell have I done wrong????? I just know that, as soon as something happens, I'll go running, and I will because I always have. Like when she attempted suicide those times & I was her advocate, protecting her. It was all an act, like it is now.
I have just read a text in my sent box - "God saves mum. All this abuse, we don't deserve it". It's come from Geoff or even one of the girls, but it's true I / we don't deserve it. Good luck to her. You watch - she'll want me when things go wrong etc. But it dosen't stop me feeling so abused.
My family's all I have. Ian, 26, gets married in June next year to Kelly, a lovely girl from Derby. She's just the girl I saw him with. Jenny is 25 - married to Carl in June this year - 20 weeks pregnant. Very jealous of Ian's Kelly - she'll always use kelly as an excuse for her behaviour & says I prefer Kelly to her [I wonder why????} Then I have my lovely girls - Elizabeth (11) & Alice (9) who love me loads & loads (so they tell me every morning when I wake up). Jen has 2 boys by an excuse of a man who persuaded her to leave home & enter into a life of drugs & benefits. She was 15. I even sent her a letter saying that we still loved her depite what she'd done to us. The day I gave birth to Alice I had a phone call from the school to tell me that Jen had been heard discussing drugs. When Alice was tiny Jenny got expelled from school, just before taking her GCSE's. That was my fault, as was her getting pregnant with Callum??????? It's clear - I'm just there for her convenience and to blame.
Sorry this blog entry's so long but I needed to 'talk' to someone. I'm all alone & feel my life & all I've put into it, is a waste of time.