October 17th '07

Why is it, when you're feeling your lowest ever, that people decide to kick you in the side?
I feel that my life's not worth living anymore. I have to rely on others to get me around, & then they have to be people that I trust to help me if I should become unwell. I don't go out much, I'm stuck indoors 24/7 with only my little Westie & crap daytime TV to keep me going. My friends have to come to me, I can't go to them, as I'm so scared to go alone in case I have another heart attack or P.E. Life's the pits again for me.

My club night's this week- scrapbooking classes I run keep me in touch with the outside world. All of my 'members' are really actually my friends from church & long-time friends, especially Kim (who comes into both categories), Suzannne, Mel, Lynda, the two Mary's, Tam, Hayley, and those who shall not be named........ :0 They come to me because we have fun - which is the emphasis with my club nights, and we really do! I still hold my class even if I'm crawling along the floor in pain - people just don't understand the intensity of the pain I experience, it's undescribable- but I still run the class in loyalty to the Scrapaholics. This months' layout is using acetate overlays & monochrome papers & cardstock. Next months is using a stencil.
I look forward to running my class tomorrow. Now, isn't that loyalty?

I also enjoy going to 'outside' crops. Like the one at Meopham & the one to be run by Suzanne next weekend - in a 5* hotel!. It's nearby. I only need Geoff to take & fetch. I have a room which I'm sharing with a friend who I trust to help me if I need help. This one is really friendly, like the one Karen runs.
It's good to get out of my box once in a while. It's good to meet up with friends I've made at previous crops and to meet new ones.

I've actually taken the step of faith & started counselling to help me get through the bad days & suffering I'm experiencing & how it affects my whole family.
It's also a bit about how I suffered really bad bullying at school, both physical & emotional, and I'm still experiencing it now. I don't think it'll stop 'til I die.
I owe it to my 2 young girls, my eldest daughter with a complicated pregnancy, my son who's organising his wedding, to be strong even though I feel so weak.
I have to be strong for them - my family comes first.

OMG! I didn't realise that I hadn't done my blog for so long! I've had a lot going on lately. What with my daughter being due my granddaughter any time now, family & personal issues, and trying, with the aid of my lovely GP, to get my pain under control. One night last week I thought I was having a heart attack the pain in my chest was that bad. There's still a bit of fluid there but my GP says it's more than likely to be my Fibromyalgia that's causing the pain.
My poor [pregnant] daughter is suffering badly with this pregnancy & wants me around all the time for reassurance (I am a trained midwife); she has Vaginal Varices (Varicose veins in the vagina) which are caused by pressure from above. The baby is so low down that if she sneezes I'll be running to catch her!!! She needs to give birth in hospital which has disappointed her as she had the 2 boys at home (Me delivering), but there is such a high risk of rupture when the head is being born. She's seeing the consultant Thursday to see what the plan is. They may decide to do an Elective C-Section, to induce her (but she's still going to be at risk) or he may even say that there's no problem. I doubt it, that's wishful thinking on my behalf.
Her husband is suffering having pulled a muscle in his back. There's my poor daughter..............................................

I had a lovely day out last Saturday. I went out with my friend Kim to an all-day crop run by Total Papercrafts. It was fantastic. The classes were brilliant with really good value kits. Kim & I are having these Total Papercraft crops as our 'bonding' days. It was really good as Kim helps me if I need it & I took one of my loungers so I could rest if I needed to , which I did & I'm glad I did so. I would never have lasted the day otherwise. Karen had her shop there - kindly run by Pauline so it freed Karen up to do the classes. There were some really good bargains that seemed to jump into my bag :0 I just couldn't help it!!
The classes start going up on the TP website tomorrow evening. Last time it was a job to get them. I was on site at 7pm when they were due to go up & they'd sold out..... :( I'll be a bit quicker this time.

I'm staying at our local posh hotel this weekend. My friend Suzanne is running a cropping weekend there & I'm staying to support her. It's easier having a room so I can go for a rest whenever I feel like it so I don't get over-tired which is bad news. Kim's just going as a day punter -- I couldn't persuade her to stay :(
I hope & pray that the weekend goes well without any problems. The last one went really well. It's close to where my daughter lives too, so if I'm needed I haven't far to go.

I'll keep you all posted on any progress with my new granddaughter!

Sunny Sunday

Hi all! I hope you're all well.
This week has been a bit of a series of ups & downs for me. I was feeling so well at the beginning of the week - I was getting several layouts completed, doing some sketches in my 'mojo' book and being [almost] pain-free. When I had my nails done on Tuesday evening, Shelly (my beautitian) said I was looking really well. Then Tuesday night came........... I was in so much pain that I had to have a huge dose of Oromorph & wake Geoff to heat up my wheat-bag. I feel so guilty. Then on Wednesday I was so bad that he had to have a day off work.
This is just how Fibromyalgia attacks you. You have really good days that send you into a false sense of security and then... wham! You're back down on the bad place again. I waste so much time of my life resting in bed, but I have absolutely no choice but to do what my body tells me. People just don't understand the dynamics of Fibromyalgia Syndrome, it doesn't show from the outside & I'm sure they think I'm 'swinging the lead'. Believe you me, I'd rather be working, earning a wage, practising in my loved profession & having my independance. I'm sick to death of being cooped up in this house, scared to go out on my own in case I get chest pain again & relying on people to come to me. No, I'm definitely not putting it on.

I have managed to re-home the rats. We had 2 pet rats, cute little girls from the same litter, one was Elizabeth's & the other Alice's. They wanted them because we used to look after Elizabeth's school rat over weekends & holidays. He was called 'Roger' or, when Elizabeth had lost her two front teeth, 'Woger'!!! lol He was so friendly, he loved to be out of his cage & being played with by the girls; but these two were none of the sort. They just wanted to scatter & escape and they bit if you weren't careful. They should have been held & tamed right from the start. Anyway, they ended up being practically neglected. The lady who has taken them will do well with them. We won't be having any more. It's the same with the rabbit - a little tiny baby turns into a full-grown adult. I feel so sorry for him. he's been moved so he's got a better view of the garden. Geoff always fondles him when he feeds him morning & evening.

Elizabeth (11) has started to turn into a teenager :0 she's so mean to her sister. Everything is 'it's Alice' or 'Alice did this'. She's shouting at us & slamming doors. She's so angry with me. I knew it was coming along, but it's still a bit upsetting when your little girl starts turning into a woman. I have been very open with her about her teenage years & changes that occur, both physically & emotionally, so that, hopefully, she'll be open with me. That's all a parent can do; if you start laying down the law then they'll start to rebel. We've brought the young two up a bit differently to the others, we're a Christian family for a start & Elizabeth goes to a R/C Comprehensive school [although we are not R/C].

My eldest daughter, Jenny, who's expecting a baby in early November, has sent me a text to say that she never wants to see me again nor step in this house again. Here we go again. :( The text said that I had been slagging her off to Carl (her husband) about her wanting the baby out & inventing symptoms so that she will get induced early. The truth is, it was Carl who said all those things but I did agree to a certain extent. She said I had been pushing her away when she was trying to be close to me ---- that's the opposite of the truth. I had made a point of hugging her, I even laid with my head on her 'bump' the other day. She's so cruel to me. I'm so upset. Geoff says that I should ignore it but I can't, I'm her mother. She's so jealous of my son, Ian's, girlfriend. Yes, she is pretty & has a typical northern personality, hugs etc. I can't get to grips as to why she's so jealous, Jenny's my flesh & blood for goodness' sake.
You try & bring up your kids the best way you can, then they blow it all back in your face.

Scrapping-wise, this week I've really been going strong! I had my scrapaholics' club Thursday evening but only 3 members could come, illnesses & other commitments etc, but it was lovely as I could actually sit & scrap with them. I really enjoy having fellow-scrappers coming to my house and spend time scrapbooking with me. I also enjoy going to day-crops & weekends. It takes a lot of courage for me to actually go but I have to go just to show people that this horrid illness doesn't rule my life, even if it does. I have a day-crop on the 6th October, run by Karen from the Scrapaholics, and I'm going with Kim, Suzanne & Mel. Suzanne's running a scrapping weekend at a nearby posh hotel at the end of October. I hope I'm okay.

I think that's all for now. I'll post up some of the layouts I've done this weekend.

Monday September 10th 2007

I haven't had a very good day today :( I just can't get rid of this pain in the left side of my chest. The only thing that helps is the Oxygen and heat via my wheat bags. I'm up & down all night, I can't get comfortable or get rid of the pain.
I had the intention of doing so much today, including my Scrapaholics club leaders layout for September. I hope I feel better tomorrow & I'll get it done. The papers are yummy - we have 3 sheets of cardstock-weight double sided black & white papers plus 4 sheets of cardstock, two of these being a lovely blue. This is taking me right out of my box as I would never have thought of putting blue with b & w. The kit also contains various embellishments. There's enough kit to make 3 or even more! I think this is a really good value for money. My next class will be on the 3rd Thursday of this month, in the evening, at my house. This suits me as I have lost my confidence and have become virtually housebound. Having people coming to my class is wonderful.
Elizabeth (11) - who started secondary school last week - has found out that it's not as much of a gentle time as it was last week. Already we've had tantrums about homework. She's got a lot to learn - literally!! She's calmed down now but I'm up & down like a whores' drawers on a Friday night..... :O
Anyway, that'll do for now!

Saturday 8th September

This entry in my blog's going to be a smiggen smaller than yesterday's. I've had a bit of a busier day. But I just wanted to enter something that's made me so happy I could burst (NO Jenny's NOT had her baby!).
I had a very close friend, I won't name names; we became friends when she was pregnant with her last child. She'd had a really bad time with the previous child and she was so anxious about this eventual birth. I was a midwife and we had girls at the same school, so we'd meet up when we collected the children. Anyway, she asked me to care for her & deliver her baby, which I did. As a [closet] Christian (ie I stopped going to church after I married as my DH didn't believe), I could feel something in that room.
Anyway, we became firm and close friends. She was present at the birth of DD11 and she & her DH are Godparents to her.
Some bad things happened in the Church and, although I had absolutely no part in what was being said, our friendship stopped suddenly & I found other friends ignoring me too. I was bereft as I'd lost a good friend for no fault of my own. I'll not go into detail but, basically, the horrid rumours had come through the youth group & a [mouthy] adult.
I apologised to her & this other person, not for starting the rumours but for not stopping them when I could have done.
It's so easy for a flippant remark to escalate out of control & become a major issue. We ended up leaving that church & went to another in the parish, where we are still. If it wasn't for my DH (who had become a Christian with this person's influence) I would have stopped going to church altogether. I just went to look after the girls; I sat behind a pillar at the back of the church so no-one could see me. It was a bad time of my life.

Anyway, recently I have been seeing her more, she had my girls for an afternoon at New Wine [they were so excited by this].
She & her DH came to dinner last night. We had a wonderful time. The atmosphere was brilliant and the girls loved it when she played a game with them.
Then, today, we met up at a mutual friend's party. We sat together & I was discussing about my illness with her - she's a nurse too - and I found myself telling her how our split affected me & how I needed her when I was poorly. I found myself teary.
She has promised to see me & to keep in touch, with me and the girls. I hope she does as I need her. She gave me such a lovely hug when we went. I hope we can rekindle this friendship. I leave this in the hands of God - if we're meant to be friends again he'll be there for us.
I don't know if she reads my blog, but she'll know who she is. God bless hunny.

Friday 7th September 2007

My daughter, Elizabeth, has enjoyed her first few days at secondary school. She's totally independant, meeting a couple of friends at the top of the road to walk to school together. They also have 'buddy' system where every year 7 pupil has a year 12 student to help them along. As a Catholic school the pastoral care is important as well as the level of education. I hope she continues to enjoy it.
Alice, my youngest, is in year 5. She told me yesterday that she's in the top groups in Maths and literacy (English to you & I!). I'm so proud of my girls, I love them to bits & hope they continue to be the way they are & don't get in with the wrong crowd. I can't see it happening but you just don't know. When you hold your baby in your arms for the first time you see them following all the rites of passage, but it only takes a person or few to take your child along the wrong path. The girls are being brought up differently, we are Christians and are bringing the girls up to follow in the steps of Jesus rather than those of bad influence. It's their own choice now they are older, and they choose to follow the Christian pathway.
My eldest daughter, Jenny, who's pregnant with my grandaughter, is having a real bad time. I do so feel for her. I just can't do as much for her as I did when she was having the boys due to this blasted illness, I feel so guilty, but she's got her husband this time - before she was a single parent. She saw a consultant a few days ago and she's got SPD (Supra-Pubic Dysplasia) which I where the hormones affect the joints in the pelvis and they are over-mobile. It's very painful. She's been given stronger pain killers, the risk to the baby being less than her need for pain relief. She's not allowed to go beyond 38 weeks or she'll be induced. She was hoping for a home birth like she had for the boys, but her & her baby's well-being being important. I can do nothing but support her & advise her but it's her husband's resposibility to nurture her - he made her pregnant..

Right, now let's get to the scrapbooking bit. My DH had a carpenter friend to measure up to put masses of shelves in my little scrap room (it's actually the 4th bedroom) so I can get everything tidied up, like getting my albums upright rather than flat & see-through boxes for all my bits & bobs. It's gonna look fab once it's done.
My aim-for-the-weekend is to do my September & October Scrapaholic layouts. I'll post them on here once I've done them. My pictures seem to be a bit out-of-date. I'll sort them out & put some wedding photos up.
I'm also starting my album of the baby's first year, with photos of Jenny & Carl caressing 'the bump' and a lovely one of Callum (7) cuddling up to the bump. My little grandson, Liam 5, won't touch it. :( I'm using Psalm 139 as an introduction. It's a lovely verse.
I bought a couple of albums from 'Papermill' in Street (Somerset). I had that many loose layouts. I totally filled both with loads left over! I have another album which is 'Life's Journey' that I'm going to use for my book of me. I have some layouts that I've already done that I can use for my B.O.M. I'm not good at photos of me (except when I was a baby), especially nowadays as I resemble Mr Blobby due to the excessive weight gain caused by my medication. I did have some taken at the weekend with 'my boys' - they're not too bad. I don't think I'm the only one who hates photos of themselves. I wanted to do a B.O.M so that my children can see how my life went etc. I think I'll leave out the skeletons!LOL

I think that's all for now. Bye Bye!

Sunday 1st September

I can't believe it's September already!!! My DD11 starts secondary school this week -- it doesn't seem that long ago that I held her in my arms for the first time... She's been a little touchy over the summer hols, but I can remember how I felt when I first went into secondary school & we didn't have the 'nurturing' that they have now. Year 7's going to start a day before the rest of the school so they can get accustomed to the layout of the school & sort out timetables etc. They also have a 'buddy' system - I think it's linking the pupil with a senior pupil for reassurance etc when they first start. It's a Catholic Secondary so I feel reassuredthat my daughter will be cared for.... but it won't stop me worrying all the same.
My DD9 -- aka 'my baby' -- goes into year 5, which is also a shock at how quickly she's zoomed through Primary School. She can't wait to go back to school. She has a man teacher this year, he's very nice apparently, and also she can't wait to see her 'boyfriend' Joseph (she goes all coy when you mention his name!!!!)

I was so disappoited today. I was supposed to go to an all-day scrapbooking crop run by my friend. But I had such a bad night that I couldn't even think of going. When I phoned her she sounded really disappointed & said something about everyone dropping like flies............ I feel really guilty now. I hope some people went or she'd be out of pocket or will have to call it off. I'll text her later. If push comes to shove I'll pay her the day cost.
This illness is beginning to control my life completely again. The pain cannot be controlled by any means, I was told by my [lovely] GP to take as much Oromorph as I need to. My pupils don't reflect exactly how much Morphine I'm actually having, apparently.

I've been trolling my way through my kits. I'm that behind. I still have some papers from March!! I've started subscribing to 'ScrapJammies'. They are brilliant as the bags contain all the pieces of card/paperstock that you need to make the double layouts. I also subscribe to 'Back porch memoies' which are similar in the way they contain individual kits but they are not specific to a particular layout, although they have a newsletter & gallery for ideas. I used to subscribe to 'scrapbook stand' but they seem to have evaporated into thin air & you can't log on to the website anymore, which is a bit of a whammy as I liked their forum. I had a 'rogue' kit turn up, from 'the little red scrapbook co.'. I don't remember ordering the kit, but the way my memory is at the moment....!! I'll just have to see if I get one this month. It was a good kit---- Cosmo Cricket. Yummy!