Monday 11th Feb

OMG! Was I whacked out after the [brilliant] all-day crop at Meopham on Saturday. I'd had a really bad night Friday night so I wasn't really up to going but I didn't want my illness to stop me going as I love this particular crop so much. I struggled big-time & I know that I got on my friend's nerves as I just couldn't grasp the simplest of instructions - all part of the syndrome - and I started to panic. My friend said I wasn't being a pain when I kept asking her but I just felt I was. I was so 'out on the edge' that I felt out of it - paranoid I know but I just felt as if I shouldn't be there & I should have stayed at home after all. The classes were great, excellent value for money, as usual, and Karen as the teacher did her best to get through our adled brains!
I get so upset when I feel so tired that nothing makes sense & I feel like I'm going to collapse on the floor. No-one sees that part. I keep how I'm really feeling under a wrap; it's only those who really understand where I'm coming from that see how I'm really feeling. Pauline, bless her heart, offered to fold down a seat in her car so I could rest a while; I was thankful but I didn't want her to have to do that for me - she had enough to do with the shop, without having to fiddle around in her car just for me.
The shop was fantastic (as usual) with fantastic bargains & I got the 'in Stitch'z ' templates "as a birthday present from my girls". I love to sew, both hand & machine, on my layouts, so it will be used. I had sorted this months' class kit for 'Romance' using the new Bazill 'in stitch'z' cardstock with pre-pricked hearts. I had no idea that 'Scrapaholix' - who I have no contact with anymore - had sewing on layouts as February's kit. Pure coincidence.
I chose the papers so carefully, added the right embellishments - ribbons, sewing threads (DMC) that co-ordinated with the papers, brads & blooms. I thought it represented good value for money, especially as I hadn't, at that point, got any chance of trade prices. I want to give my 'girls' value for money as their satisfaction is paramount to a good evening. My gut feeling is that, when I showed those who came to the informal evening, the response was rather on the negative side. I'm rather disappointed to say the least.
After my disasterous, brainless, behaviour at the crop on Saturday, as well as all the unpleasantness I've experienced through emails from other scrapbookers, I'm seriously wondering whether I'm actually doing the right thing. If I gave up my hobby would my life be any better? Would people respect me more? Would I be respected as a friend? Karen was so supportive on Saturday when I reflected like this. I should, as an experienced scrapper of 3+ years, be better at following instructions than I was. I don't deserve to teach others if I can't even do things myself..... I, and everyone else says 'it's the illness' or 'you're over-tired', blah, blah, blah. Yup, I am over-tired, my brain has got slower on the uptake, and my mobility has got so bad that I can't even walk a 100 yards before I suffer. I'm handicapped by this dragging syndrome that takes my life over.
I haven't even got my husband his birthday present as I have to rely on someone taking me shopping & everyone is busy. So his card will contain an 'IOU' for a DVD 'Atonement' plus another. He says he doesn't mind, but I know he does. I feel guilty as he's so generous to me, buying me presents & flowers. I'm spoilt.
I did manage to do several more layouts on Saturday as I didn't do so much talking as I was 'on the edge' at the end of the line. It was good to sit & do layouts without being interrupted by the phone, the dog or the kids. Quality scrapping time is a rarity when you have kids & a dog who wants to be wherever you are. The first class (the easy one according to Karen) was gorgeous, once I got to grips with the cutting out bit. The MM Paisley & the BG 'Two scoops' weren't too bad to follow but I panicked big-time with the 'manly' chipboard circle album class. It just refused to make sense. The more I tried the worse it got. I wish I'd just left it, taken notes, and left it rather than persevering. I got into tears.
This isn't the old Gill Baker aka 'The formidable Gill Baker', this is the Gill Baker who can't follow simple instructions nor retain them for future use; who gets teary when things get on top of her, who feels that people are fed up with her because she isn't what she used to be. This is how Fibromyalgia Syndrome takes away your life, your independence, self-esteem and value to others. I can name on one hand those people I can truly say value me as a friend nowadays. Once upon a time I would have had to have taken off my socks to count them. This condition ruins your whole life.
I wanted to do the chipboard album for Geoff. I have never made him anything so when I saw 'album' and 'Masculine/manly' in the description I thought 'yeah! I can make this for his birthday (tomorrow) or valentine's day............ He'll get it for Christmas!!! I'm not going to let it defeat me. I shall persevere. It looks brilliant, karen's example, as usual, was amazing. She is one hell of a good crafter, I could never be like her but I sure could try.
I won't be at the April's crop (Scotland) nor at the June one (Ian's wedding) so I shall be chomping at the bit for the August one! You can't stop me going, I refuse to give up!!!
I'm sorry this blog entry is a bit low, but this is a reflection on how I feel about me - I'm not running down others. I find that when I've done a blog entry I feel better about things...................... but I've still gotta cut out all those chipboard circles!!!!!!!!!!!!! Bless you all, friends, class members and others, for taking time to read about how it feels to have Fibromyalgia & to try & hide it from others so they don't see you as weak & helpless (hopeless - yes!!). My life's a struggle from the moment I wake, through the day and at night. For having a good day out it takes me a day's bed-rest plus a 'slow day' to get over it --- but it's so worth it! Thanks Karen, Pauline & Karen's parents for a brilliant, well-planned day. Oh, I mustn't forget the Carrot Cake.......mmmmmmmmmmmmmm!!