Oh, what a horrid day I've had today :(

I've had the worse day ever since I've had this illness, not with pain but with Geoff. I have to have lifts to the Drs as I'm on Morpine and also because I have such bad pains in my knees. It's been obvious that Geoff resents this for a long time. It appears that the love and care he felt for me after I had that illness in the Summer, has now worn off.
He basically told me to "get up off my fat a*** and do it myself".I explained to him that I shouldn't drive when I'm on Morphine - and his answer was "well everyone else does". You see, my husband has this ability to see into everyone elses lives & minds so he knows what every single person is doing at that moment... Anyway, I said it's only his dad who drinks a bottle of whiskey a day on top of Warfarin & blood pressure tablets - the same man who called me a witch and Geoff never backed me up.
I had another appointment to see a Dras I've been coughing again and... I won't go into details. Anyway, this appointment was at 10.50 when my blood test was at 9.10am. I said I'd be happy to sit & wait in the waiting room between appointments and call him when I came out. He then started to blast on at me, treating me like a childand then screeched to a halt, turned round and dumped me back at home.
I rang my mum, who said she could take me to Dr tomorrow but not today. Then she went on that she didn't wanted to get involved and said that she feels uncomfortable when he's around as she feels as though he's 'tutting' at her. I said that that's what he does to me all the time, as well as rolling his eyes over the top of his head witha grimace on his face. So she advises me that we need to get therapy.. well that would go down well (his mum always looked on people who needed therapy as weak), and he'd refused to even talk to the Gp saying there was no point.
The last thing mum said was that I should ring Pat (Rectors wife) and talk to her. Geoff puts in so much time at the church that I feel he does what he does there just to getaway from me. He hates me, he doesn't have to say it, butI'm not having him put my mums & my relationship in jeopardy especially as we've got so close recently.
So, with appointments cancelled with me crying my guts up to the lovely receptionist, I promptly went to my scrapbookking albums and took out the 2 layouts of him and ripped them into shreds. I couldn't bear the idea of facing all the sentiments I'd included as they are untrue. I feel as if I'm married to his (late) mother, as he seems to be develping the same traits she had.Especially the bit about knowing what everyone else is doing / does.
Then I went to bed, taking 2 hot wheat-bags & a hot drink. I then took a huge slugg of my liquid Morphine and tucked down in bed with my little dog. I ignored all phone calls because I wanted to.
I've Emailed Gerald, the Rector, and told him that I was giving up the notice sheet because I'm fed up with people moaning that items have / haven't gone in, that the article had wrong date, blah, blah, blah. So, doing the notice sheet just adds fuel to the fire in my struggle with my faith.
I've also asked him that I give up doing the CRB (Criminal Records for children's workers) for the whole parish as geoff insists on poking his nose in as he knows everything about that too and says I'm doing it all wrong.- OMG! He's an Einstein!! Anyway, as I said to Gerald, the CRB has caused more rows between us than anything else in our 33 year relationship, how trivial is that...
He came home and acted as if nothing had happened in the morning - he always does that. Up at the church everybody protects him & makes excuses for him -- it's as if I'm putting this illness on.. oh yeah, loss of independance, personal & monetary, loss of career, and loss of being able to be mobile - I can't even take the dog out for a walk & no-one will offer to do it for me either.

Carried on from previous day as computer acting up..
Geoff hadmade an appointment for me to see a Dr yesterday & I saw a Dr I hadn't seen before & she was the best person ever for me to see at this bad time. She is a committed Christian & she goes to our church! What a coincidence! She goes to the evening service as she prefers the 'no frills' kind of service.Anyway, she was so comforting, listened to everything I said and made suggestions but didn't push me. Anyway, physically I've got yet another chest infection. She Ummed & aahed for a while because I mentioned that there was fresh blood in the 'muck' but I said that the pain was no way near the pain I had when I had the PEs, so she took my word & I'm now on yet another load of anti-b's....
Regarding the issues of Geoff & his attitude he's developed against she said I didn't have to do anything I didn't feel like doing. Regarding my 'loss of faith' she assured me that Jesus was still with me band he would always be, even if I didn't feel He was.
In the afternoon a friend rang to say that she was coming round and so did the Rectors wife. They were both very concerned about me as they had seen how bad I was on Sunday. I, personally, think that my mum had phoned Pat but she denied it. They both prayed for me.
So, I've given up the CRB resposibility, the notice sheet responsibility, I only go to church when I want to & if I didn't feel like going then I shouldn't be pushed.
Geoff's at the 'high church' of our parish doing the 3 stations of the cross for 3 hours so I'm left with the girlsHow exciting...
Jenny came round earlier & we ended up back at the beginning regarding hair & head gear for the the bridesmaids & she says that she wants them to have their hair straightened -- but the dresses have such beautiful detail which will be obscured, so rather pointless. She still maintains she's done everything for the wedding -- very funny -- she's done practically zilch. So, I'm stepping back & letting her get on with it & I'll be wearing the old clothes I've had for over 15 years which I wear for any event. The tradition is that the bmum goes with the bride to choose her dress (Jen went with her friend then rang Geoff to say she needed this dress paid for...)and then the bride should go with her mum to choose her outfit (I doubt if she could even be bothered). I'm so sick of her attitude. I'm fed up with her attitude. When I told her I'd got, yet another, chest infection, she said she'd got an itchy boob!!!!????
This blog is running all slow & I'm I'm running blind so I'll close now.

Sorry I've been a bit behind with my blog lately but I have painful joints in my fingers, so I have to type on the pads of my fingers, and I'm brewing up another chest infection. I hope it doesn't develop into too much...
We're off to Scotland in 3 weeks' time. I have managed to sort out the wheelchair hire but I still need to discover how to book the airport "buggy" which takes people who can't manage the walk to the gate where their plane is. I'll never manage it, the walk.
Also, I need to phone BHS at Lakeside about the Bridesmaid's dresses, presuming my daughter hasn't done it herself. We need one adult dress changed by size and we are waiting on my youngest's dress. They were meant to have phoned us but they haven't and the 28 days has passed. So, I'm going to make the most of the free time I have, thanks to the fact my 2 youngest are staying at my eldest daughter's on a "sleep-over". My aim is to do all that plus 2 challenge layouts I have to do for my team on UKS.
I promise I'll do a proper blog tomorrow, I promise.
Nite-nite!!

I feel a little bit better today, having spent the best part of the day in bed yesterday. People (and family) have just got to come to accept that I have no choice except to rest when I feel as bad with the pain. I had to have some Oromorph last night but I had to open a fresh bottle & it was one of the rogue 'twist off' lids that occasionally have one that you can't, however hard you try, get the pesky lid off. I ended up shooting it all down my front and I had to change my 'jamas. I couldn't have been quiet if I tried. Anyway, if I was disturbing DH he could have got the lid off for me......
I eventually got over my session of depression yesterday. Once Suzanne came and the girls settled in for a cuddle & a lovely roast beef dinner from my DH, I decided that I don't have the problem. I need to pace myself so that I don't end up having these sessions because I've over-done things. I need to 'listen' to myself & not feel guilty about it.
I'm hoping I might even get a few pages of the curates' album done today. I must get going on it as we're 'presenting' it on Sunday. :oO I must get going peeps.
Bye!!

I didn't realise that I hadn't posted for so long... I have been suffering badly with Fibromyalgic pain and has knocked me off my feet. I feel dreadful. I wonder sometimes if I'd be better off somewhere else...
My DD is back to where she left off from when I was poorly in June. I knew it wouldn't be too long before she started on me again. I'm, apparently, interfering with her wedding arrangements, well good luck to her then. She's going to be 5 months pregnant when she gets married. Can't even get that right, but this time I don't have to do the worrying - Carl can see her at her best.
I've had some great news -- my son, Ian, is getting married next June - 21st. Kelly is going to be the best daughter-in-law any mum can ever have. She's so caring.
I feel dreadful. I'm going back to bed.
Bye!

Windy Tuesday

Sorry I've been 'off' for a couple of days but I was absolutely knackered after the weekend retreat. It was brilliant, well done to Babs for all her hard work & to 'Owl' for jutst being there when I was about to 'crash' because of a fellow-attender. I just felt a spiritual negativity in the room. What we should have done was to have 'cleansed' the room with prayer before we started, but Babs was so nervous about everything as it was her first retreat, it got forgotten.
It's very difficult when someone comes to one of these retreats with 'baggage' not to take it on board. But I thought someone went a bit OTT when we were eating in the restaurant & chatting between courses, I, mistakenly, made a flippant remark about one of the ladies who comes to my scrapaholics class as being 'a flower lady'. I couldn't believe it when this person yelled at me in the restaurant :oO She went at me all guns ablazing. I was really upset. Ended up having problems breathing & started to cough & caught my breath. Thanks to Babs for going back to the room for my Oxygen. This person kept on & on about how doing flowers is her work for the Lord, but we all work for the Lord in our own way, great or small. I couldn't believe it when I fell asleep at the table in the restaurant!!! Babs had to wake me up! The conversation got a bit uninspiring...
There were 7 of us at this retreat. I think there was only the 3 of us that were serious scrappers [me, Babs & Owl]. I, stupidly, didn't take one of my albums with me for examples for those who didn't scrap. I found teaching my class a real struggle, especially when they kept nattering all the time then I had to keep repeating evetything. Ggrrrrr...
There was a lot to be learnt from this retreat. Babs is pulling everything apart to see where we could make changes. My only feeling was about cost. As there were fewer of us we had to pay more, and I have a sneaky suspicion that Babs ran at a loss; if she took a step of faith and advertised the retreat at a lower cost, I think she would get more punters interested.

I was so excited when I got home. My Blue Badge had arrived!!! To me it acknowledges that I do have a disability and it has been recognised. They sent a sheet of useful items & badges to purchase, such as the usual wheelchair symbol but also 'please leave me enough space to open my door fully' (now I don't have to try & squeeze into the car - if people adhere to it...) & 'Disabled Passenger on board'. I got a cushion that you can turn on to get out of the car. But the main thing is being able to park in the Disabled bays in the car parks & at supermarkets. I also bought a 'Radar' key, which opens all disabled loos, as I have sudden urgency micturition as part of my syndrome.

I'm still teetering on applying to do the 10 week OU course in Photography. I don't feel that confident to do it... I know I'll regret it if I don't, especially now I have this posh camera.

Ian (my eldest) is now also busy planning his marriage to Kelly. They are getting married next May as far as I know but co-habiting until then, in Tunbridge Wells. Kelly lives in Derby.

OMG! It's snowing!! The wind is sharp too. I'm glad I'm not going out!!
The weather doesn't know what to do. We had Spring, now we have winter...
I'm getting stiff so I must close down.
Bye!!

Blasted chest pain

I've got yet another chest infection; back on Oxygen, heavy antibiotics & pain killers.. Blasted chest. There was me thinking I was almost off the Oxygen but now I'm back on it again :o( Blasted chest.
I'm [supposed to be] going on a weekend Christian Scrapping event at the Dartford Hilton (quick- where's me cozzie!!!!!!!) I'm hoping to actually get into the Jacuzzi this time. At the retreat 2 weeks ago, I crashed out completely with Morphine and slept for a whole afternoon! It made me feel better but I missed out going in the Jacuzzi &/or scrapping. This is the way my FMS controls my life. It drives me mad.... Grrrrrr.. I think having one more day of the antibiotics will hit the infection on the head.
Anyway I'm going to keep this short & sweet as I've got so much to do:
* Pack :oO
* Do 7 kits for a class
* Make a Mother's Day Card
* Sort out my stash
* Do the church newsletter
* Go to church to print newsletter

See you soon!!
Gillxxxx

It's still a sunny day. Daren't say too much or it'll rain!!!
The best part of this weather warming is that I can get my laundry on the line. I know this sounds a bit saddo but I love to sniff clothes that have been dried outside.

I still have this cough & pain in my left side of my chest ... again... I have to go & lie down. I'll try & get back on later.
Sorry.
Bye!