Fed up Sunday.....

Writing my blog today is going to be difficult. I am really struggling - with life, family issues & my spiritual life. I feel as if I'm crawling the ground pulling myself along using my finger nails. The ground is as dry as my mouth is and the heat beats down on me like the sweats I get. No-one understands just how people who suffer from FMS actually suffer - unseen pain, in places you don't normally experience. People who say 'well you look okay to me' and look at me as if they know what FMS is & think they are experts.
I ask for prayer on-line because I'm suffering with my DD again & get stupid reactions about risk of libel from my daughter & her friends - what???? Life has gone wonky on me. I was suffering with my relationship with the Lord before all this, but now ........ I don't know if there is anyone out there who does actually care about me - does God really lay his hands upon me? If God did care for me then why do I get all this physical & attitude?????????
I struggle with every single day of the week. If the phone rings I'm terrified that it's going to be DD so I let it ring. I'm terrified about going out alone --- people don't get that either. My DH turned round to me yesterday and said "you need to get off your a**** and get on with it". I'm frightened of having another PE -- my clotting is still iffy & my Warfarin's going up. I'm needing Oxygen again after almost getting off it. I have these involuntary jerks & spasms that send everything flying -- I've burnt myself with hot drinks. My nerves 'pop' & cause a weird kind of pain. I have excruciating pain in my spine cause by Spondylosis and my spine 'slips' and causes excruciating pain when I walk. Who actually cares???
My mum says if I didn't have the girls I could go to her, but I don't want to not have my girls - even when they have 'Attitude'. So, as they say, I'm caught between a rock & a hard place.
I enjoy my scrapbooking, but my DD says 'you're not too sick to do that are you?'

My body looks like a blob. I need to get my wedding outfit, but all I see is this blob standing there. My drugs make me put weight on like mad. I'm going to be the Mother-of-the-bride wearing my pyjamas & slippers, no hat, nor one of the daft head garments that look like a bird has flown into your head & popped it's clogs - they look hideous. It's meant to be a special event between mum & daughter / bride to be, shopping for the wedding dress & outfit for mum -- but it's just not going to happen. She's more worried about her friends who she says aren't her friends but they are.

I'm going back to bed now, while Geoff has taken the girls out, and watch soppy films, read a book or magazine. Yummy! The dog will probably join me... Me & my dog - like a homeless vagrant...

Manic Friday

I feel a slightly bit better after my rant yesterday, but I still feel abused. How she could behave like she does towards me astounds me, I couldn't have done that to my mum. Values have changed over time.
Anyway, Geoff has spoken to her and she's been to the wedding dress shop & they will measure her monthly & alter the dress if needed. It won't be the same though.

I had a 'comment' from a girl in Spain. She said she'd like to come to the Faith Scrappers retreat but she lived too far away! I was amazed that people read my blog so far away, as well as the numbers of people who read my blog. It must be interesting to someone!!!! LOL

I went out for a meal last night with the church 'Ladies' Focus Group' - it was great to meet up with a couple of people I haven't seen for a while. I actually had a good laugh, but, boy, wasn't I tired when I came in! And I spent a lot of my time last night in pain & had to have some Oromorph.
We're entertaining tonight. Geoff has invited 2 couples from church to come to dinner. He does all the cooking etc, but he says he enjoys it. Good for him. His food is excellent - well done hunny!

I have decided to sign up to do an OU course in Digital Photography. I was undecided at first, but then I thought it would give me something to aim for & if I could progress further I could take up photography as more than just a hobby. I'd love to do weddings. Geoff has ok'd the fees, I've got my posh camera, and off I go!!

We have a slow weekend this weekend, but I think we'll have to go into town to get Alice some shoes. I didn't realise the state of them - we could have got them in Lakeside. Damn.

Must close off now to do my notice sheet.
God bless - thanks for your prayers Paul - and enjoy your weekend.
Bye!

An "I'm p****d off " day

I'm writing in black today as I'm so upset. :( :( :(
As you're probably aware my daughter aged 24 is getting married in June. Nice guy, good with the boys, which was an important thing to me, he's not the boys' father.
We've gone out of our way to support her in preparation, both in organisation (we know a lot of people who 'do things' like a florist (a friend); my brother is a chaufeur & has his own fleet so he was providing a car on the day as a gift; I was doing the place cards/ favours / etc; the cake was is ordered; we'd paid for her dress & all the bridesmaids' dresses & we were giving them a holiday at Haven (their choice). The suits for the men & the boys have been ordered, so has the reception, photographer & church. We'd asked our church music group to lead the worship (as she requested but didn't want to ask herself) & the Organist also has been organised as she still wanted some tradition "Here comes the bride" etc.
I'd started an album - photos of when she was trying on her dress in the shop.
Everything in my mind was this wedding.
Anyway, yesterday my husband came in and said that Carl had phoned him -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Jenny's pregnant.
OMG!
That girl just lied to me again! She said she'd got a tummy ache on Saturday when we went to Lakeside & said she'd got her period & had period pains.........
I'm not going to speak to her. She told me she was on the pill, I checked she was actually taking it every now & then. She evn told me she wasn't sleeping with him as she wanted him to be "special".
Now what?
The dress can't go back as it's been here for 3 months +, so that money's down the drain. All that effort...
I know why she got pregnant (?) -- 2 of her friends are pregnant. Despite my reminding her that babies don't stay small for long nowadays and they turn into toddlers within a year. She can't cope with the boys let alone having another baby. I'm not "carrying" this baby like I did the other 2. She's got to get on with it. She's made her bed so she can lie on it.
Geoff's family say she's a slut, my sister-in-law, Gill, actually said it to her face in January (at the same evening 'do' where Geoff's dad called me a witch).
She only had an abortion this time last year -- she slept with someone when she was p****d.
What on earth is going to happen now.

My son, Ian, aged almost 26, is also planning his wedding -- May next year. It's all 'sorted'. They are having the event at a posh hotel & have a package which includes everything. Unfortunately the wedding dress won't fit Kelly as she's a bit bigger than Jenny. The bridesmaids dresses will have to go back as the girls will have grown. We haven't told them - Jen done the deed so she can upset them-- they were so excited. I feel absolutely drained out & upset. Elizabeth looked so beautiful... I could cry.

Why do things like this happen? What have I done? I can't cope with all this. She's a stupid child who needs to grow up. She does it to upset me, well, she has.

Bye,Bye.

Just a manic Monday

Hi! Thanks for "listening" to me ranting yesterday, but when you have FMS it's really hard to make people understand how you feel & how their remarks / actions affect you. What someone who does not have FMS would consider trivial, to an FMS sufferer this becomes major. Because there's nothing to see people jump to conclusions & often blame it on depression (like a previous GP did - for a whole year). I'm not depressed but I am p****d off. Life has become the pits.
My lovely mum came up today. My litle dog, Rosie, absolutely adores her "Nanny" and when she comes Rosie just sits and watches her with this pathetic look on her face. I wonder why??? My mum is the only person in my family who will walk my little baby for me. Mum takes her for a good walk, then has a coffee before she starts doing my ironing. I love my mum to bits. I don't know what I'd do without her ~ and I tell her so.

As I said yesterday, I'm desperately trying to start a new hobby of Beading. I thought it would tie in with my scrapbooking and I could also make simple jewellry too. I've half finished my 2nd bracelet but I can't get the clasps right. I've found this fantastic website - beads direct - their stuff is really good quality & the service is A1. The problem is that I keep swooning over these gorgeous beads, especially the Swarfski (sp?) crystal ones. I'd like to make my best mate a bracelet / necklace out of these beads as she collects the Crystal.

I've got a busy week this week. Tomorrow I have to go to my daughter's school for dinner! Apparently, according to my daughter, all her friends are going to look after me as I'm poorly! Should be fun anyway!
Thursday I'm going to a restaurant with the church 'ladies focus group'. I'm being collected by the Rectors wife.
Friday we are entertaining 2 couples from our church. We are gradually inviting all those who were so kind when I was in hospital. Geoff loves cooking, not to the "Master Chef" standard but really good meals.

I'm off now to see if the battery for my new toy. I tried to see if any of my lenses etc from my old SLR fitted. One of the lens effect discs fits ~ the 'Skylight' one does, but the polarising one doesn't & I'm disappointed about that.
Geoff has given me the okay to do the OU Photography course, starting in May if I get in. They are sending me all the bumf. It'll give me more focus (pardon the pun!) in my life as I enjoy studying ~ hence why I did my Diploma in Cancer Care & had got in to do my degree. I need some reason to my days. Wish me luck!

Just to say that there are still places at the "Faith Scrappers" weekend retreat at the luxurious Dartford Hilton hotel. It's worthwhile coming along for the facilities alone!! It's open to Chritian & non-Christian alike, but the weekend will be Christian based. We will be running great classes (one by me!) and having fun scrapbooking. Even if you've never done scrapbooking, come along & give it a try! It might be the hobby you've been looking for all your life but didn't know it!!! Call Babs via the website link on my intro, or contact me.

I think that's it for now!
Bye bye!!

My grotty weekend

We bit the bullet & went to Lakeside yesterday to get the Bridesmaid's dresses. We got all sorted but 2 are on order for right sizes. Burgundy & Gold. Elizabeth looked absolutely beautiful, it brought a lump to my throat. My daughter, Jenny - the bride-to-be - came (of course) and she kept talking on her mobile all the time & saying where we were in a whisper voice. Then it dawned on me that she was talking to her partner & he & the boys were also there & had followed us up. She told us he was taking them swimming for the day. Pants on fire! She did what she wanted to do & then b******ed off after she'd wiped out our Visa limit. It was all planned, it was so obvious.
The girl at the bridal store said the dresses should be hung up inside duvet covers & not plastic dry-cleaners covers, which I had to do yesterday evening, a real struggle.

The better part of Saturday was that I bought my posh camera - a Nikon. I really wanted a Canon 400D but it was to expensive. It's got all I need - it's light & easy to handle,has a large screen & you can add lenses to it. I'm going to see if the lenses from my manual SLR will fit. I had a little 'tinker' last night ( ) but the battery needs charging. Then Jen rang today & said she was coming up with Carl (partner) to show him the dresses. I explained about the covers, effort, blah, blah, but she had to be abusive to me. I've done everything for this wedding, organising things like flowers (friend), cars (my brother), Cake (a friend of my mum), paying for her dress & all the rest of the dresses, that's what I can remember at the moment. She's so unappreciative. She's also a blinding liar -- and a not very good one at that. I was so upset that I had to go to bed this afternoon with the door shut.

After about half an hour rest, there was this awful screeming from Elizabeth -- the dog had bitten her. There is a half-Cm cut just above her lip. I steristripped it & I can see that, as the swelling has gone down a bit,the cut is closing. Alice was upset & guilty. They'd been playing with Rosie but Elizabeth went too far & Rosie just lashed out. Alice said Elizabeth was aggrivating her & hurting her. Rosie only lashes out when she gets cross, but she's never bitten the kids - she's been brought up not to. She knows she's hurt Elizabeth as she keeps looking at her with this woeful expression. Don't blame Rosie, Geoff threatened to get rid of her (if she goes so do I); she can't defend herself so the facts need to be taken into consideration.

What with the weather as well, I had a cr***y weekend. My plans for today -- to try & get to grips with a) beading work, & b) my new camera. I felt so down this morning that I didn't go to church (a bad move as far as Geoff's concerned), I needed to be warm & resting. Geoff doesn't understand it. I'm really struggling.
All I get is people criticising me; how I bring up my kids, the state of my house tidiness-wise, that I spend all the time resting, and the rest of it. Jenny turned round yesterday and said that I was interfering when I put a bridesmaid's tiara on Elizabeth's head. I was only demonstrating for goodness' sake. Interfering??????? If we didn't do what we have done she'd have nothing done except buying the invitations that I'd said I would make for her... She said that I didn't look after the girls properly, that their hair was full of lice (not true) and when I said I did my best considering I was so poorly she said "You're not ill when it suits you".... What??!! I've struggled to bring up all my 4 children in some form or another, health or behaviour wise, people must'nt criticise me.....:( :(

Friday. Should be doing church noticesheet

My friend Paul had the audacity to mock me for my adoration of Donny.. He's a fan of *The Archers* lol lol lol no, he's not an old man but he is a SFBB, so I guess it's down to that. :) Poor one!

I have managed to upload the photos of the layouts from this past weekend retreat, and the 2 layouts for March's Scrapaholics evening. It's a layout including blank jigsaws (I think I said yesterday). I'm going to demonstrate a few techniques on using them such as painting, inking, alcohol inking & 1 other. I'm so chuffed with the results.

I'm a bit quieter today. I must get on with the noticesheet. I'm getting bored with it now. People don't let you know what they want put in & then moan when things don't go in. **Don't yell at me - I'm a volunteer** (remember that Paul?) Oh, *sighs* those were the days.....

Finally, there are still a few places available for our *Faith Scrappers* retreat on the 17 / 18th March at the Dartford Hilton. Day visitors are very welcome, Christian / Non Christian. Contact Babs on the Faith Scrappers website, or email me, for further details. Babs will have her shop there & she's offering a brilliant discount for the whole weekend.

Anyway, have a lovely weekend peeps. We might be shopping for Bridesmaids dresses. Sssshhhh..... don't tell the girls....

Donny's on 'Loose Women' ---- [swoons in a corner]

I can't believe it! My baby's on TV! My Donny has been the love of my life since I was 13 - just a year longer than my husband. He reminds me of a fine wine -- matures & gets more tasty with age! "Saddo" I hear you say, but we all have to have an outlet................ :O He's giving away all these horrid & unkind things he used to do to the fans outside his hotel. He's a bad boy... He's releasing his 55th album -- would you believe it? That'll be on my birthday list. Oh, now he's ruined it & has got a fan, the executive producer, up dancing to 'Why'. I got all teary would you believe it? get a grip woman!!!

Anyway, let's get back on level. For goodness' sake.
I spent a whole day (more or less) finishing off the finishing off (if you know what i mean) the layouts from the weekend. I cannot believe how many I actually did, considering I 'lost' Saturday afternoon. I also did my example of the 'Scrapaholics' layout for March. The papers are lovely & bright - ideal for kiddie photos. I'll post it up on here asap. The technique is using jigsaws as embellishments, alphabets, frames, you name it. I actually enjoyed doing this one.
I painted one of the jigsaws with Acrylic paint ( :O :O Mary......... as she's bound to want to do what 'Gill' has done) and then put alphabet dots on them for my title. I'm going to do a second layout with the remaining papers & card (yes, there is enough in the kit to do a double layout) and this time I'm going to ink the jigsaw pieces (ditto Mary) but scatter them this time. I'm also going to find a piece of one of my grandsons extra large puzzle pieces & make a frame for the photo. Sounds good on paper.

I'm part of the group leading the Faith Scrappers group. We have accessed the luxurious Dartford Hilton for a weekend retreat 17th & 18th March, starting at 9am on Saturday and ending at 5.30pm on Sunday. The cost includes dinner B&B and all classes. Babs will have her shop with lots of brilliant offers. Although Faith scrappers is Christian-based, the retreat is open to both Christian & non-Christian alike. See www.faithscrappersuk.com for the website where additional info is available, or you can contact me.

Right, I must go & finish that layout while I've still got my mojo!
Bye!!